Private Coaching Tracks & Roadmaps©

(From the book, Uniquely Us: Gracefully Navigating the Maze of Neurodiverse Marriage, Autism and Faith)  

After a spouse is identified as neurodivergent, many couples seek neurodivergent relationship support to begin their marriage work. However, both partners may not be ready to participate in joint counseling sessions right away. Depending on the specific help a couple seeks, initiating joint sessions can be overwhelming for one or both, especially when various issues—beyond neurodiversity—are in play. Addressing these issues is essential for making meaningful progress. Here are some key questions to consider:  

1. Is there an addiction of any kind in either spouse?  

This encompasses substances (alcohol, drugs, prescription medications), pornography, sex or fetishes, food, gambling, technology, or gaming. Should an addiction exist, these are individual challenges requiring attention and should be addressed before marriage counseling. While these issues undoubtedly contribute to marital problems, they are best tackled as personal issues first. Specialized care is essential to deal with substance abuse and other addictions.  

2. Is there active abuse that makes it unsafe to work on the marriage in the same home?  

In instances of domestic violence or any form of active abuse, it is crucial for safety that couples do not attempt to work on their marriage under the same roof. If one or both partners display abusive behaviors, it is vital to address these individually before embarking on joint marital work. Abuse is a serious character issue that cannot be resolved through couples counseling alone, as substantial personal work is required first.  

3. Is there significant depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues that may involve suicidal thoughts or self-harming patterns?  

Similar to addiction, these psychiatric concerns may necessitate professional psychiatric care and possibly medication. Achieving a certain level of emotional and mental stability is paramount for effective joint marriage work, particularly for neurodiverse couples counseling.  

4. Are there unresolved childhood traumas or adverse events that either spouse has not processed or healed from?  

These personal challenges must be addressed individually, although they can sometimes be worked on concurrently with joint marriage efforts. Working through childhood trauma is impactful and requires individual attention before any meaningful joint work can begin. Each partner is encouraged to receive personal support from a professional distinct from the marriage coach.  

5. Is there trauma in the relationship right now?  

The nature of the trauma may determine if joint marital work is feasible, though your coach or counselor might need to meet with each partner separately before any unified sessions. Establishing safety and self-regulation is crucial to successful joint marriage work with a neurodiverse-trained professional who should also be trauma-informed.  

6. Are there any BEEPS?  

Defined by Dr. Jim Wilder in Joy Starts Here, “BEEPS” refers to Behaviors, Events, Experiences, People, or Substances that may divert attachment from God and joyful relationships. These are patterns each partner must individually reflect upon, as fear bonds could hinder joyful, healthy connections.  

7. Does each spouse acknowledge and accept the neurodiversity in the marriage?  

Though a formal diagnosis is not necessary, acknowledging and accepting neurodiversity is vital for transformative growth in the marriage. Each partner should take responsibility to educate themselves about autism, ADHD, and neurodiversity's effects on their relationship. When both partners embrace the reality of neurodiversity, working with a specialized neurodiverse couples counselor can be incredibly effective.  

8. Is each partner willing to evaluate their contributions to the marriage dynamics and remain open, coachable, and humble?  

It is essential that neither partner blames 100% of marital difficulties on neurodiversity. Are both partners prepared to examine their roles in any damaging or distressing relational patterns? If both are committed to individual and joint efforts, engaging with a neurodiverse-trained counselor can yield positive results.  

9. Is either partner experiencing anger or defensiveness regarding the neurodiversity present in the marriage?  

Denial or defensiveness may indicate unresolved personal shame that can be challenging to identify and resolve. There may also be a tendency to blame others rooted in such feelings. Addressing denial and defensiveness through individual work is essential alongside marriage counseling.  

10. Are there struggles in co-parenting neurodivergent children?  

Co-parenting can be a formidable challenge for neurodiverse couples. Additional support may be necessary to understand the unique needs of neurodivergent or special needs children. Many communities offer family support resources focused on parenting neurodivergent children, which should be approached separately from marriage work. Reviewing this together can lead to a clearer Roadmap to Hope & Healing for neurodiverse families.