Private Coaching Tracks & Roadmaps©

(From the book, Uniquely Us: Gracefully Navigating the Maze of Neurodiverse Marriage, Autism and Faith)

After a spouse(s) is found to be neurodivergent, most couples want to start marriage work, but they may not both be ready to work together in joint sessions. Depending on what help a couple seeks, doing joint work at the start may be traumatizing for one or both. Identifying all the issues at play (in addition to neurodiversity) is critical to making progress. Here are some questions to consider:

1. Is there an addiction of any kind in either spouse? 

This includes substances of any kind (alcohol drugs, prescription medications etc.), pornography, sex or fetishes, food, gambling, technology or gaming. If there is an addiction or abuse of the above, these things are individual issues to be worked on. These problems are likely contributing to the couple’s marital problems, but they are issues that can and should be worked on individually, first. Marriage coaching and counseling are not the appropriate context for an individual to address these challenges, as substance abuse and other addictions are separate diagnoses that require specialized care.

2. Is there active abuse that makes it unsafe to work on the marriage in the same home? 

If there is domestic violence or any form of active abuse, it may not be safe to work on the marriage under the same roof. Safety is paramount. If one or both spouses are abusive, this should be worked on prior to doing joint marriage work. Abuse is an individual character issue that impacts marriage, but it is not something that marital work can address. The one who is abusive needs to do substantial personal work before joint marital work is safe. Specialized help is required for issues of abuse. 

3. Is there significant depression, anxiety, or another mental health issue that may be causing suicidal ideation or other patterns of dysfunction or self-harm? 

Like addictions or abuse, these are special psychiatric challenges that may require a spouse to seek psychiatric care and possible medication. Some level of emotional and mental stability is needed for successful joint marriage work to address a neurodiverse couple’s issues.

4. Are there childhood traumas or adverse events that have not been acknowledged or worked through and healed by either spouse? 

This work also needs to be done individually. Sometimes it can be worked on simultaneously while joint marriage work is being done, but working through childhood trauma and abuse is individual work that will impact marital work. We recommend that each person do their own work with someone different than the marriage coach or counselor. 

5. Is there trauma right now in the relationship? 

Depending on the type of trauma (A or B) joint marital work may be able to start, but your coach or counselor may need to work with each of you separately before working together. Safety and self-regulation are essential to cultivate before starting joint marital work. Your neurodiverse-trained coach or counselor should also be trauma-informed.

6. Are there any BEEPS? 

“BEEPS” is defined by Dr. Jim Wilder and others (in Joy Starts Here) as: Behaviors, Events, Experiences, People, or Substancesthat we form dysfunctional attachments to instead of attaching to God and people in joy. These are patterns of thinking and behavior that each person should examine individually, as there may be fear bonds, which can become significant obstacles to developing healthy joy or love bonds. 

7.  Does each spouse acknowledge and accept the neurodiversity in the marriage? 

While a formal diagnosis may not be necessary, true change in a marriage is difficult if both spouses do not acknowledge and accept neurodiversity and begin to adjust their relationship expectations accordingly. Each partner is responsible for learning about autism, ADHD, and neurodiversity and its impact on marriage. If both partners accept the reality of neurodiversity, marital work with a neurodiverse-trained coach or counselor can be very productive. 

8.  Is each partner willing to look at their contribution to the marriage dynamic and be coachable and teachable, with humility and openness? 

Never should a spouse blame 100% of the marriage issues on neurodiversity. Are both willing to look at how they contribute to the negative or traumatizing relational cycles? Are both committed to doing their individual and joint work? If so, working with a neurodiverse-trained coach or counselor can be fruitful.

9. Is either partner angry and defensive about the neurodiversity in the marriage? 

Denial or defensiveness can indicate there are issues of unresolved personal shame. These can run very deep and be difficult to identify and eradicate. Similarly, a tendency to blame shift may be motivated by a sense of shame. Some individual work to identify and remediate denial, defensiveness or shame may be needed in addition to marriage work. 

10. Are there struggles and challenges in co-parenting children with neurodivergence? Additional care or support may be needed to understand the needs of neurodivergent and/or special needs kids. Co-parenting is often difficult for NDCCs to traverse together (for both NT or ND children) and will need additional parenting support. Many communities have family support resources for how to parent neurodivergent children, and such support is separate from marriage work.